So many religions, so many Gods! Which one to choose? Let’s face it. There’s no way to know for sure. So why not just pick the one that you like the best. Here’s a comparative guide to religions you may want to consider on your holy path to heaven.
- Hinduism: Boasting millions of points of communication in the form of statues all over India, and thousands of gods manning call centers for supporting the rest of the world, this may seem to be a very accessible religion. However it can get very frustrating when you realize they have a different God for every freaking thing! For instance, the God for helping you with your homework is Saraswati, the Goddess of knowledge, the God that helps you win the lottery is Laxmi, the Goddess of wealth, and the God that helps you move your furniture is Ganesha, the elephant God. Now if only they had a God to look up the correct God for the service required! Also there have been complaints from European and American countries that these Gods are hard to understand while talking. In response, the Gods have tried to be more helpful by answering the phone using names such as Jesus, Paul, and Mary.
- Christianity: A fairly elitist God, he is not very accessible and even though was born in the middle east, immigrated to the USA, got a Green card, and became a citizen. Though a popular misconception is that he talks to the people through a man in a funny hat called the Pope, he actually talks only with a few rich people and intellectuals in America, the most notable amongst them being George W Bush. Also, known to not work on Sundays.
- Islam: A fairly strict God, requires you to pray five times a day. Also a bit hard of hearing, which means you need to yell out your prayers fairly loudly. Advances in modern technology, however, have enabled followers to use loudspeakers to transmit the holy sound waves up to heaven. Be prepared to face intolerant people from other religions who you wake up at 5 AM in the morning with your prayers.
- Buddhism: Since the Wikipedia page for Buddhism has no word “prayer” on the entire page, it may be safe to assume prayer is not a way of reaching God in Buddhism. While no-one is sure on how to reach this God, Buddhist monks have been trying to communicate with Him by scribbling messages on giant kites and flying them from the top of mountains.
Ease of getting to Heaven
- Hinduism: With millions of Gods available, your chances of pissing off all of them are pretty negligible. Assuredly, a guaranteed, albeit confusing path to heaven.
- Christianity: Lorded over by a guy just like that desperate date you had, this is probably the easiest path to heaven. Goes for quantity, not quality; Do whatever you want in your life, just don’t break up with him. Entrance may seem fairly impossible for rich people what with him saying it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get in, but just hint at leaving for another God, and you should be in.
- Islam: Also insecure like the Christian God, this chap will also let you in as long as you don’t look at the others. This leads some to believe it may be the same guy as in Christianity.
- Buddhism: Fairly confusing since there are lots of heavens and stuff like existential planes, but rumors say all it takes is smoking weed while listening to some rock band called Nirvana
- Hinduism: The Gods seem fairly liberal what with one of their famous Gods, Krishna having quite a few hot girlfriends. Also, it is probably the only religion that comes with a “Sex for Dummies” guide called the Kamasutra. However, for some reason, followers of this religion tend to ignore all this fun and tend towards prudishness. A well known Hindu proverb states it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of the needle than to get laid in Hinduism.
- Christianity: This God is very concerned about your sexual pleasure. To ensure you experience the fullest carnal pleasures available in this religion, condoms are forbidden. This does mean you can only have sex 2 or 3 times in your life, and can barely finish the first chapter of the aforementioned Kamasutra, but He assures you it will be better than having sex a 1000 times in any other religion. Since most followers don’t buy this, they make use of the loophole mentioned in “Ease of getting to heaven” to simply ignore this. The rest end up having around 10 kids and too busy to worry about sex.
- Islam: The sexiest religion of them all, you get to bang 72 hot virgins! That too, in heaven! A subtle hint at the age of the virgins is provided by the fact that 72 is in fact divisible by 18. There is one slight catch though. In order to ensure you experience the greatest sexual pleasure imaginable, you are not allowed to fool around with women while on earth. Followers are known to work around this with the help of sheep, camels, and asses that do not belong to women.
- Buddhism: Pretty cool about it, allows you to mess around even before marriage as long as you love the other person, which in turn may be a problem for guys with commitment issues.
That’s all for this part now. Look for the upcoming part II which will have more holy information for your path to salvation, including information about those nasty atheists and their evil master Satan and his prophet Richard Dawkins.