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Warning – Dark sense of humor required to read further.

Ever wondered what it must be to be a racist? Clearly racists get something out of putting down others. What must it feel like? Well, we (Giving you the benefit of the doubt) could never be like that, so we’ll never know. If you are a racist reading this, then keep on reading. This could be like a smoke patch thing which could act as a substitute while you get over your (shall we say?) undesirable habits.

So in the name of experimental psychology, I hereby propose the Carcist manifesto – a psychological experiment to try to understand bigotry, by enlightened people. It is not equivalent because while racism cannot be justified, carcism, to a certain extent can. But there are some similarities which could be enlightening.

What is Carcism ?

Carcism is the act of discriminating against people based on the cars they own. The race of a car will henceforth be known as carce.

Which are the superior carces?

The most superior carce is the MINI. This is because it is fast, efficient, and can take turns at 30 miles an hour on 15 mph curves, and 70 mph on 45 mph. In addition, it is very well engineered and designed and is also the most attractive carce (Especially when it goes topless) that cars from every other carce want to get it on with.

A topless MINI

A topless MINI

Following closely are

  1. Prius
  2. Honda Hybrids
  3. Porsches
  4. Smart Cars

And then there are the inferior carces. They are called ‘SUVs’. These tend to be very inefficient, slow, and so ugly that none of the other carces from above will sleep with them. Even for 200 gallons of gas for an hour. This frustration due to rejection by the superior carces leads to a type of aggressive behaviour known as ‘tailgating’, where the SUVs try to convince the superior carces that they can also go fast. While it is true that some SUVs can go fast, their innate handling inferiority means it is very hard to control them at high speeds. Which leads to stuff like this.

Inferior Controls.

Trying to go fast like the superior carces.

Which brings us to the lowest form of carces. Pictured above, it is called the ‘Hummer’. Members of this carce are pretty hideous and unattractive even after 3 martinis.

Discrimination

Now that we have identified the superior and inferior carces, let us establish the rules for how the above carces should be treated.

Parking SpaceIdeally, the superior carces should not be parked near the inferiors. A separation of at least two parking spots (3 for MINIs) is recommended in order to preserve the pristine aura surrounding your superior car.

Filling up on gas – Unfortunately because of the law, we cannot have separate gas fountains for the inferior and superior carces. This means your car might have to use the same hose that was used by an SUV. In order to preserve the carcial purity of your carce, it is recommended you carry around wipes and thoroughly clean the nozzles before inserting them in your car.

Giving way and followingThe cars belonging to the superior carces should always give way to each other, be polite, and courteous. There is no order here. For instance, if a MINI sights a Prius trying to get onto the road from its garage, the MINI should ideally stop and let the Prius join the road. However, if an SUV is trying to get onto the road, do not bother to stop. If you do, said SUV will not only slow you down, you’ll also have to look at its ugly ass down the road. If you’re a male and there’s a pretty head inside the SUV, resist the urge to let her in. Most likely, the pretty head is empty. If she gives you a bright eager smile, then you may be forgiven the occassional lapse.

If a Porsche or MINI is behind a Hybrid, they should be patient. Hybrids tend to be inferior in speed and handling, but they are superior in terms of efficiency and environment. Respect that, slow down, and appreciate the nature around you while you are behind one.

Traffic light etiquette – The owners of cars belonging to the superior carces should preferably exchange smiles. If you admire the other carce, a thumbs up is also good for fostering strong bonds among the superior carces. On sighting a car of an inferior carce, it is recommended to ignore them. However, if you have been on a really nice drive where you saw a pretty lake, birds, and deer, it is acceptable to give them a dirty look. If there is not too much traffic, and a Hummer shows up, you can also flip them off like this. It is strongly recommended you do this just before the lights turn green. Step on the gas once it does, and watch the pathetic Hummer trying to chase you down. For extra fun, you can slow down, let it catch up, and then again speed up.

Driving Lane – The lower carces are bad for the progress of traffic. In general, SUVs belong to the rightmost or the slowest lane. As far as possible, do not allow one to come in the middle lane. And definitely do not allow them to come in the fastest lane. If you allow one to come in the passing lane, then the entire highway will be slowed down. SUVs belong to the slow lane. Keep them in their place.

Now go forth and discriminate!

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Driving can be enough of a pain in traffic without having to read stupid slogans on bumper stickers. If you’re going to have a bumper sticker, it better be interesting like this one. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of dumb ones floating around, and so I thought a good way to counter them would be via counter bumper stickers. By the way, this is not my original idea. I saw this kind of an article in a very old Mad magazine.

So here we go. I’ve used the Hummer and the MINI as befits their typical owner for the slogans and counter-slogans. And as for entry number 4 below, if I ever get married, I wouldn’t find it funny either.


hummer2mini2

hummer3mini3hummer4mini4

hummer5mini5

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One of the first things you learn about American car culture is the “road trip”. Now I had a friend coming over from Seattle to visit New York, and he wanted to see the Niagara Falls.  I had bought my first car ever just 6 months ago and I wanted to do a road trip. The plan was to leave in the morning and come back at night. I had never driven for more than 2 hours in one direction at any time. This would be a 7 hour trip one-way! (more…)

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Atheists and religious people share the same roads. These roads happen to exist in the real world where the laws of physics hold firm. However, these same roads are viewed through different perspectives by the religious and the atheists. How could they not? Their entire world-views are different. As an atheist, I will not be going to heaven and so, in the interest of prolonging my stay on earth for as long as possible, I’d like to offer some tips to fellow faith based drivers in the USA.

  • I know the lord works in mysterious ways. However, that doesn’t mean you have to also. Especially, not on the road. When you intend to turn, give a turn signal.
  • Yes, I know you are going 80 mph in the passing lane on a 55 mph speed limit road and I also know your prophet George Bush says “Stay the course”, but he’s not really talking about driving on the roads. Just like we atheists go one god further than you do, we might also want to go just 1 mph more than you. So move over to the right.
  • I know I am not supposed to pass you on the right, but because of “Stay the course” people, I sometimes have to. I know you feel all goosie-woosie about faith, but please don’t have any in me and turn on your signal and check before making a faith based swing over to the right.
  • You are supposed to follow the Lord closely in your heart, not me at 80 mph in the right lane.
  • The bible says “A man’s wisdom gives him patience “. This means: wait at least a few seconds after the light turns green before blasting your horn.
  • Just as it’s impossible for a camel to pass through the eye of the needle, so also is it for me to squeeze my car through the tiny gaps between other cars. If I am in front of you and you see 10 cars in front of me not moving, then no amount of honking is going to make me try it.
  • Do not attempt to read the Bible, Koran, or the Gita while driving. God may be watching over you, but he doesn’t really know how to drive because he’s only ridden asses.
  • Here’s a non-divine revelation: no-one cares that your kid is an honor student at St. Paul High or that Jesus is watching over all of us. Bumper stickers should be funny or creative like this one, not sleep inducing.
  • I know you have to drive huge SUVs because your God commands you to subdue the earth. But if you really have to drive these slow ass houses on wheels, at least stay in the slow lane.
  • God does not want you to get into an accident, so He will not reveal himself to you by forming an image of the virgin Mary in the clouds. So stop looking up at the sky while driving and keep your eyes on the road.

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For a “country that runs on roads”, there is a surprising lack of variety in cars in the US. The American fascination with big things also carries over to cars. Small cars are virtually non-existent with gigantic SUVs ruling the roads. So when I looked toward buying my first car over here, there were very few cars worth thinking about.
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Hummers are the ugliest vehicles you can find on the road. And they are slow as hell. How insecure must you be to buy this monstrosity that was once advertised with the tag-line “Restore your manhood”? Surely, no-one is that small?

I wondered what kind of people own hummers. So I popped over to one of the hummer forums and here is what I found. With apologies to my spell-checker…

Faster than a snail

Faster than a snail


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