Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Contrary to popular belief and despite their claims, atheists’ lack of belief in God is not a result of rational and logical clear-thinking. The sad fact is that they suffer from a number of diseases, which, working in concert, contribute towards making them unable to accept the simple fact of God’s existence. As loving, caring, and extremely moral people, it is important that we try to understand these causes, so that we can treat them as diseased human beings first, and immoral heathens second.

The most serious of the diseases that afflict atheists and also one that seems to make them vulnerable to most of the other diseases is called Consistentitis. A religious brain is a marvelous feat of engineering that only God can achieve. It can do what a brain affected by Consistentitis cannot. It can hold two or more contradicting facts without causing any unwanted reactions like throwing out some of the facts until the brain is internally consistent. This disease is caused by a virus called Honestus Toselfus. This virus is responsible for eating away the cells in the brain that grow to form walls that compartmentalize the brain and allow us to hold a huge variety of different ideas.

Then, there is Incredulitis. This disease prevents atheists from easily accepting miracles. A normal religious brain is quite open, absorbing as many things as it can, and without any interference from the brain, and sending them all unquestioningly directly to the facts store. However, with Incredulitis, the brain starts filtering facts. Just like a water-filter straining out the bigger particles, Incredulitis causes the bigger facts like the elephant God, and the virgin birth, which we call miracles,  to be filtered out. This lack of facts causes their Evidentitis to flare up, leading them to start demanding the very facts that their brain rejects. Evidentitis is a condition that makes atheists distrustful, skeptical, and cynical human beings. They start demanding evidence for every little thing. It makes them so distrustful of their fellow human beings that they do not even accept the facts written down by God himself in our holy book. This leads to a vicious circle, where the constant rejection of facts again causes their Incredulitis to worsen. In the end, this vicious cycle ends with the atheist brain throwing out all belief in God, and labeling God and religions as nonsense.

The virus causing Incredulitis and Evidentitis is called CommonusSensus,which when combined with exposure to an even more deadly virus called Sciencus, seems to make everything a whole lot worse.

However, all is not lost. We can prevent this disease among our children by thoroughly moulding their brain in a way that it does not get infected by these viruses. Common symptoms and suggested treatments follow. If you notice any of these in your child, act immediately.

  • Child displays an OCD with reality – The most common symptoms of this are trying to relate the world of miracles with the natural world and expecting to see them happen in the  natural world as well. For example, when a child is unable to see miracles happening in the real world and is unable to see any signs of God, he becomes vulnerable to Incredulitis. The suggested treatment is to point out the miracles that have indeed happened in his life. Like the time he topped his school or the time he found $20 on the road. In case he still displays doubts, keep telling him over and over again about other miracles happening all over the world, like Bush being elected President twice.
  • Child asks a lot of questions – This is a very noticeable development early on in a child’s life. This excessive curiosity must not be allowed to develop into anything serious. Symptoms include silly questions like – Why doesn’t God punish the bad people? Why did God let that aeroplane crash? If there is only one God, why are there so many religions? These are very simple questions, but as we know, the answers to these are quite complex and philosophically complicated which a child’s undeveloped mind cannot as yet grasp. So, the best way to deal with questions that you feel your child may not understand is to use answers like “Because I said so” and “When you grow up, you will understand”, and “Go and read the holy book and you will understand”. If you are successful, the child will stop asking questions and start accepting everything you say as the truth, which is great because it means the child’s brain will not be strained by too much thinking.
  • Child displays lack of self-confidence – We know that our God is the correct one. However, when a young child sees the existence of other “religions” and “gods”, she may wonder why her religion is the true one. This erosion of confidence in our faith must be stopped before it develops into a serious case of asking too many questions. The suggested treatment is to point out all the logical flaws and contradictions in other unsophisticated religions that cannot obviously be interpreted in any way that makes any sense whatsoever.

If you follow the above advise, you should end up raising a child that has the ability to hold complex thoughts that appear contradictory to the simple mind, a child that is so full of confidence in her own faith that she will loudly proclaim the truth of our faith to everyone and tell members of all other “faiths” how wrong they are, and finally, a child whose mind does not ask questions, but provides simple answers to those who ask hard questions.

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This is probably the funniest thesis you will get to read. I marked it up with some comments and criticisms of my own.

Kent Hovind’s thesis

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Warning – Dark sense of humor required to read further.

Ever wondered what it must be to be a racist? Clearly racists get something out of putting down others. What must it feel like? Well, we (Giving you the benefit of the doubt) could never be like that, so we’ll never know. If you are a racist reading this, then keep on reading. This could be like a smoke patch thing which could act as a substitute while you get over your (shall we say?) undesirable habits.

So in the name of experimental psychology, I hereby propose the Carcist manifesto – a psychological experiment to try to understand bigotry, by enlightened people. It is not equivalent because while racism cannot be justified, carcism, to a certain extent can. But there are some similarities which could be enlightening.

What is Carcism ?

Carcism is the act of discriminating against people based on the cars they own. The race of a car will henceforth be known as carce.

Which are the superior carces?

The most superior carce is the MINI. This is because it is fast, efficient, and can take turns at 30 miles an hour on 15 mph curves, and 70 mph on 45 mph. In addition, it is very well engineered and designed and is also the most attractive carce (Especially when it goes topless) that cars from every other carce want to get it on with.

A topless MINI

A topless MINI

Following closely are

  1. Prius
  2. Honda Hybrids
  3. Porsches
  4. Smart Cars

And then there are the inferior carces. They are called ‘SUVs’. These tend to be very inefficient, slow, and so ugly that none of the other carces from above will sleep with them. Even for 200 gallons of gas for an hour. This frustration due to rejection by the superior carces leads to a type of aggressive behaviour known as ‘tailgating’, where the SUVs try to convince the superior carces that they can also go fast. While it is true that some SUVs can go fast, their innate handling inferiority means it is very hard to control them at high speeds. Which leads to stuff like this.

Inferior Controls.

Trying to go fast like the superior carces.

Which brings us to the lowest form of carces. Pictured above, it is called the ‘Hummer’. Members of this carce are pretty hideous and unattractive even after 3 martinis.


Now that we have identified the superior and inferior carces, let us establish the rules for how the above carces should be treated.

Parking SpaceIdeally, the superior carces should not be parked near the inferiors. A separation of at least two parking spots (3 for MINIs) is recommended in order to preserve the pristine aura surrounding your superior car.

Filling up on gas – Unfortunately because of the law, we cannot have separate gas fountains for the inferior and superior carces. This means your car might have to use the same hose that was used by an SUV. In order to preserve the carcial purity of your carce, it is recommended you carry around wipes and thoroughly clean the nozzles before inserting them in your car.

Giving way and followingThe cars belonging to the superior carces should always give way to each other, be polite, and courteous. There is no order here. For instance, if a MINI sights a Prius trying to get onto the road from its garage, the MINI should ideally stop and let the Prius join the road. However, if an SUV is trying to get onto the road, do not bother to stop. If you do, said SUV will not only slow you down, you’ll also have to look at its ugly ass down the road. If you’re a male and there’s a pretty head inside the SUV, resist the urge to let her in. Most likely, the pretty head is empty. If she gives you a bright eager smile, then you may be forgiven the occassional lapse.

If a Porsche or MINI is behind a Hybrid, they should be patient. Hybrids tend to be inferior in speed and handling, but they are superior in terms of efficiency and environment. Respect that, slow down, and appreciate the nature around you while you are behind one.

Traffic light etiquette – The owners of cars belonging to the superior carces should preferably exchange smiles. If you admire the other carce, a thumbs up is also good for fostering strong bonds among the superior carces. On sighting a car of an inferior carce, it is recommended to ignore them. However, if you have been on a really nice drive where you saw a pretty lake, birds, and deer, it is acceptable to give them a dirty look. If there is not too much traffic, and a Hummer shows up, you can also flip them off like this. It is strongly recommended you do this just before the lights turn green. Step on the gas once it does, and watch the pathetic Hummer trying to chase you down. For extra fun, you can slow down, let it catch up, and then again speed up.

Driving Lane – The lower carces are bad for the progress of traffic. In general, SUVs belong to the rightmost or the slowest lane. As far as possible, do not allow one to come in the middle lane. And definitely do not allow them to come in the fastest lane. If you allow one to come in the passing lane, then the entire highway will be slowed down. SUVs belong to the slow lane. Keep them in their place.

Now go forth and discriminate!

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Driving can be enough of a pain in traffic without having to read stupid slogans on bumper stickers. If you’re going to have a bumper sticker, it better be interesting like this one. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of dumb ones floating around, and so I thought a good way to counter them would be via counter bumper stickers. By the way, this is not my original idea. I saw this kind of an article in a very old Mad magazine.

So here we go. I’ve used the Hummer and the MINI as befits their typical owner for the slogans and counter-slogans. And as for entry number 4 below, if I ever get married, I wouldn’t find it funny either.




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Evolution and Intelligent Design

There was once a theory called Intelligent Design,
And on matters of science it did whine and opine,
Now it claimed to explain all the the origins of life,
But with hundreds of inaccuracies it was rife,
And all it really said was: it’s too hard, we resign.

On priests

There was once a priest named Haggard
After his sermons, he did look knackered
Tis’ just my hard work for the lord, he would say.
And his gullible flock too did swallow him, but nay,
Actually he was just tired from all the sex gay.

On Dubya

There was once a President named Bush
For freedom and democracy, he said, we should make a push
That was the story he managed to sell
By scare-mongering, all opposition he did quell
And thereby turned the world into a living hell

My brain is reeling a bit from all the rhyming and the weird sentence structures. So this is a test sentence to see if I can still speak and write normal English. I guess I can!

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Today, I was following this discussion on RichardDawkins.net. The question was “Could fairy tales have a pernicious effect on the reasoning abilities of small children”? The general consensus was that this would certainly be something worth researching and that we don’t know yet. However, until the results of the research are in, I thought, why not try to sneak in some science and reason into fairy-tales?

The sneaky bits are in bold italics like this.

Snow-White and the Seven Dwarves

Once upon a time, as the queen sat sewing at her window, she pricked her finger on her needle and a drop of blood fell on the snow that had fallen on her ebony window frame. As she looked at the blood on the snow, she said to herself, “Oh, how I wish that I had a daughter that had skin white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair black as ebony”. Now the queen knew that simply wishing for something would not make it happen. Then she realized that the king was white-skinned. And she was also white-skinned. From Biology, she knew that the color of her skin was because of her genes and the color of the king’s skin was due to the color of the king’s skin. If those genes were to be mixed together, the resulting gene would also cause white-skin. So she and the king went to the bedroom and mixed those genes*. Soon after that, the queen gave birth to a baby girl who had skin white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair black as ebony.

Snow-White was pretty hot.

Snow-White had pretty hot genes.

They named her Princess Snow White.

* Yeah, you’re on your own here!

Hansel and Gretel

While the witch prepares to cook Hansel, she orders Gretel to fetch her candies and fats to force feed Hansel. In the cage, Hansel finds a thin bone from his meals. When the witch tells Hansel to stick out his finger (so she can tell if he is fat enough to eat), he deceives her by sticking out the bone instead.

The Wicked Witch

The Wicked Witch

The witch has poor eyesight and even her glasses do not help because she is very old, and thus cannot see that Hansel’s “finger” is actually a bone. Days pass by, but the witch cannot perceive how fat Hansel is getting. The mistake the witch was making was that she stuck to a single method of analysis. If she had instead decided to try something else in addition, like say, weighing him, she would have found out that he had become fatter. Luckily for Hansel and Gretel, the witch had recently turned to religion, so her powers of reasoning had been dulled.


The Prince pocketed the slipper and vowed to find and marry the girl to whom it belonged. The Prince tried the slipper on all the young women in the land. When the Prince arrived at Cinderella’s villa, the stepsisters tried in vain. When Cinderella asked if she might try, the Stepsisters taunted her. Naturally, the slipper fit perfectly. This made the prince ecstatic and he believed that he had found his mate. However, the prince’s scientific adviser pointed out that in the entire kingdom, there would be more than one lady whose feet would fit the slipper.

The Scientific Adviser

The Scientific Adviser

Cinderella agreed and was happy that the Prince had such an intelligent adviser. So she brought forth the second slipper as evidence. Now there was enough reason to believe Cinderella was indeed the one and the Prince and Cinderella lived happily till old age.


The Turquoise Fairy scientist asked Pinocchio where the gold coins were. Pinocchio lied, saying he had lost them. As he told this lie (and more) his nose began to grow until it was so long he could not turn around in the room.



The scientist had used a lie-detector. A lie-detector is a machine that monitors your heart beats and based on that detects when you tell a lie. The scientist had put a lie-detector inside Pinocchio in such a way that every lie would trigger an electronic circuit that would enlarge his nose. The scientist explained to Pinocchio that it was his lies that were making his nose grow long.

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Neil the Astronaut
Neil the Astronaut



Joe the Plumber
Joe the Plumber

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Atheists and religious people share the same roads. These roads happen to exist in the real world where the laws of physics hold firm. However, these same roads are viewed through different perspectives by the religious and the atheists. How could they not? Their entire world-views are different. As an atheist, I will not be going to heaven and so, in the interest of prolonging my stay on earth for as long as possible, I’d like to offer some tips to fellow faith based drivers in the USA.

  • I know the lord works in mysterious ways. However, that doesn’t mean you have to also. Especially, not on the road. When you intend to turn, give a turn signal.
  • Yes, I know you are going 80 mph in the passing lane on a 55 mph speed limit road and I also know your prophet George Bush says “Stay the course”, but he’s not really talking about driving on the roads. Just like we atheists go one god further than you do, we might also want to go just 1 mph more than you. So move over to the right.
  • I know I am not supposed to pass you on the right, but because of “Stay the course” people, I sometimes have to. I know you feel all goosie-woosie about faith, but please don’t have any in me and turn on your signal and check before making a faith based swing over to the right.
  • You are supposed to follow the Lord closely in your heart, not me at 80 mph in the right lane.
  • The bible says “A man’s wisdom gives him patience “. This means: wait at least a few seconds after the light turns green before blasting your horn.
  • Just as it’s impossible for a camel to pass through the eye of the needle, so also is it for me to squeeze my car through the tiny gaps between other cars. If I am in front of you and you see 10 cars in front of me not moving, then no amount of honking is going to make me try it.
  • Do not attempt to read the Bible, Koran, or the Gita while driving. God may be watching over you, but he doesn’t really know how to drive because he’s only ridden asses.
  • Here’s a non-divine revelation: no-one cares that your kid is an honor student at St. Paul High or that Jesus is watching over all of us. Bumper stickers should be funny or creative like this one, not sleep inducing.
  • I know you have to drive huge SUVs because your God commands you to subdue the earth. But if you really have to drive these slow ass houses on wheels, at least stay in the slow lane.
  • God does not want you to get into an accident, so He will not reveal himself to you by forming an image of the virgin Mary in the clouds. So stop looking up at the sky while driving and keep your eyes on the road.

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It’s just a matter of time. Sooner or later, the other half of America that has so far resisted the charms of this sweet hockey mom will succumb under the gaze of her bright Alaskan eyes. And then, there will come about a real change! What will happen?

  1. National bird of America changed from bald eagle to moose.
  2. Declaration of independence amended at the end – “And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.” – You betcha’.
  3. Bridge built from Wasilla to Seattle so that Americans don’t have to leave God’s country by crossing through heathenish Canada.
  4. Palin describes her support for evolution by pointing out the fact that the Alaskan gray wolves have evolved into white wolves within a year of her becoming president.
  5. Biology test scores shoot up across the nation as “God did it” becomes a valid answer for every question on the test. Trick questions such as “Why is there disease?” however, ensure that everyone does not get an A. Correct answer: “Satan did it”.
  6. Comes up with proposal for solving global warming by sprinkling ice cold water from the melting Alaskan ice-caps everywhere.
  7. Putin looks into her eyes and says he can see his own soul in there.
  8. Porn industry surges as hundreds of new PILF movies are produced.
  9. Nationwide shortage of lipstick as proud pit bull owners buy up all the stock.
  10. Rest of the world begs America to bring back George Bush.

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  1. When you go to the bathroom, you don’t have to worry about whether He is looking
  2. You don’t have to worry every time you flush the toilet because your poop might be resembling the virgin Mary.
  3. You still have the same rate of success as before in everything you do, but you don’t have to pray.
  4. When you’re having sex, and you yell out “Oh God”, you don’t have to worry that he might pop in for a visit.
  5. George Bush is not an atheist.
  6. Neither is Ahmed MakhmoudinaSomethingBad.
  7. The earth now revolves around the sun, so you don’t have to worry about it wandering off one day.
  8. You can actually communicate with your God over the Internet by posting on RichardDawkins.net and he might even actually respond.
  9. If you’re a heterosexual male, no more gay dreams about Jesus or Mohammad. If you’re a heterosexual female or a gay man, get rid of your guilt by replacing them with real imaginary characters like Batman and Superman.
  10. If you’re Christian, you don’t have to listen to Christian rock. If you’re Hindu, no more Bhajans, and if you’re Muslim, you can now listen to music. (Hint: Don’t start with Christian rock).

Feel free to add your reasons in the comments.

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